


Dick and Perry and a Bible Beating

by XxTime_TravelerxX



Series: The Misadventures of Dick and Perry [1]
Category: In Cold Blood - Truman Capote
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempt at Humor, Author-insert, Extremely Mild Violence, bible beating, series to come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:33:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6143098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XxTime_TravelerxX/pseuds/XxTime_TravelerxX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU! in which I beat, not only the shit, but the sin out of Perry Smith and Dick Hickock before the Clutter murders by whacking them with my purse and screaming at them. This beating of all beatings leads them to live good, wholesome lives and they never commit another crime again ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dick and Perry and a Bible Beating

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by every single trash fan-fiction I've ever read in my life that has made me laugh so hard I can't breath.

The year is 1959 and the date is November 12th, the day before the brutal annihilation of the Clutter family. I materialized out of thin air in front of the two would-be killers, purse in hand.  
"What the shit?! Where'd you come from?" They both exclaim at me.  
I understand it must be shocking to have someone (from nearly 51 years in the future) suddenly materialize in front of you with no explanation, looking like their 5'3" ass is going to beat you up. This, however, did not stop me from avoiding their questions and beating them the frick up. Armed with at least 3 bibles and possibly a priest in my purse, I swung my bag at the taller man while screaming:  
"STOP SINNING! DO NOT-" accented with a thump to the ribs "ROB THOSE POOR PEOPLE! GO HOME"  
Dick brought his hands up to protect his face, which gave me the opportunity to strike him in the ribs. Perry stands in shock until I turn to assault him with a bible I swiftly pull from my purse.  
"AND YOU!" I screech, hitting him square in the face "DO NOT FRICKING SHOOT THEM-" I kick him in the shin "YOU ANIMAL!!"  
I quickly put the bible back into my purse to kick Dick in the dick, repeatedly. I somehow knock him into Perry causing them to fall.  
"What the fuck?!" Perry yells as Dick howls in pain "We haven't done anything."  
"NOT IF I CAN HELP IT, YOU WON'T." Perry attempts to protect his face  
"We weren't going to kill them"  
"THEN WHY YOU BRINGING A GUN, YOU BIG DUMB-DUMB?" I continue to whack them with my purse.  
"OW. FUCK. STOP." Perry yells as I refuse to relent hitting him with the bibles in my purse. "IT WAS DICK'S IDEA. ALL OF IT. FUCK"  
Dick stops howling in pain long enough to try to pull me to the floor with them. I, however, see this coming and kick his hand and turn my bible-beating to him.  
"These people are rich and Perry is the perfect natural killer I need for my plan in case it goes wrong." Perry was now brutally offended and trying to escape the floor.  
"YOU'RE A WEAK-ASS BITCH" I scream at Dick.  
"WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! I though we were bros, man. I thought we were friends." I allow Perry this moment before hitting him with a bible over the head.  
"YOU'RE ALSO A WEAK-ASS BITCH, PERRY"  
"We are, bro. But I got great plans for your talent."  
"TALENT?!" Perry exclaims, clearly outraged as anyone would be in his situation.  
I enjoy watching their 'friendship' fall apart in front of my face. I continue to whack them with the bibles in my purse, but with a slight smile.  
"Great plans, babe. Don't forget." I kick Dick in the ribs while Perry still continues to stand up. I whack Perry in the neck with the edge of a bible.  
"STOP BEING BAD PEOPLE"  
"never" Perry gasps and I knock them both unconscious.  
I pull the priest from my purse. He examines their unconscious bodies in a priestly manner, as priests do, checking for Sin Stats(TM) and all.  
"Yup, you beat THE SIN(TM) right out of them." We high-five and disappear to wherever we came from.

They awaken the next day free of sin and full of pain from the bible-beating. They have no idea of what happened last night, all they know is they no longer have the desire to rob the Clutters or commit another crime again. They part ways to become model citizens and do model citizens things like pay taxes and not kill people.  
The Clutters are safe. Dick and Perry are free of sin, but fear bibles with a passion. I stay in my lane.

THE END


End file.
